Religious views: of God and my journey in search of him

 Wisdom is universal but truth is very personal.  Everyone agrees on the wise path to follow but few agree on the Truth. Truth is often coloured by ones perceptions, beliefs, ideologies and yes mostly by one’s ego. Ego, of course can either be positively geared or inclined to the negative.

Heaven & Hell, ghosts, demons, UFOs, Devil, Angels, and even dear God is a point of contention for many. Know the Truth and the Truth will set you free. Jesus, said these words to the believing and unbelieving alike.

It brings to mind the question that if Truth is so powerful and it must be for God declared it so, then why the universal debate? No one debates whether there is a sun or a moon, then why does one question the existence of God?  Having said that, there was a time when man believed that the Sun travelled across the sky but today everyone with basic schooling knows better.

Simply put, time and knowledge play a major role in the acceptance or understanding of Truth. Let me iterate with my story. I was born into a catholic home; my mother was a staunch catholic and my father a practicing Christian with an affinity for the paranormal and an obsession for self help books.

I grew up amidst teachings of the Catholic Church, Carl Jung, Napoleon Hill, Dale Carnegie, Edward De Bono, Zen philosophy, Sufi wisdom and self-help books.  I was nine and I believed that my guardian angel was watching over me, believed in leprechauns, aliens and rebirth. I practiced Lateral thinking, self-hypnosis, positive thinking and said exorcism prayers to ward off evil spirits.

I played mind over matter games with my brother who was two years older and equally insane. We would sit in front of a blank wall and meditate on materialising the television in front of us. No, not from thin air, from the room next door and yes, we never succeeded.

I was twelve when I saw a TV infomercial that changed all that. It was a very disturbing clip of malnourished children in Africa.  I remained in shock for a week, during that time I felt transported onto another plane. I felt no joy or pain, I could not relate to the world around me. I sometimes wanted to scream out, how could you just go on living so calmly? There are children out there dying of hunger! Don’t you care?

I turned thirteen and I also turned my back on God. There is no God, I reasoned, else why would sinless, innocent little children die of hunger? It was my way of making sense of what I was experiencing. The church taught me that God loved his children. Our precious Lord Jesus especially loved children that he died for our sins. So how could God the father, Jesus the son and the Holy Spirit watch with indifference as little children died miserably?

It wasn’t God who controlled the universe, I reasoned, It was the scientific principle of cause and effect.  The romantic notion of an all-loving powerful God was a residual survival tactic of the caveman ancestor in me.

I don’t remember exactly how long this phase lasted but I do remember how it ended, in church. My mom, God bless her soul, dragged me, the all-knowing teenager to church.

It was a special mass, a charismatic priest, famous for his powerful intersession had come to share the message.  As I sat there reluctant and bored, it happened. I experienced a Job moment (refer to the Bible, the book of Job, 38:2, 40:2). I fell on my knees and cried and I knew that there was a God, is a God and will be forever and ever.

No, I did not turn into a religious zealot, proclaiming the glory of God. On the contrary, I embarked on a path that was anything but Christian!  See, I had been converted from an atheist to a believer in God but not to a Christian. My questions about God’s role in life, his reasons for allowing suffering and evil to thrive had not yet been answered.

My life then spiralled into a world of alternate theories, new age spirituality, new age religions, Hinduism, meditation, yoga and yes I even became a vegetarian! I found myself a guru under whose guidance I had decided to dedicate my life.

I lived a life with a very fractured concept of morality, after all we were all ONE bound by the cosmic consciousness of GOD the creator.  I learnt how to project myself into objects, people and places, justifying every action with the, we are all ONE theory.

I’ll be honest I learnt a lot; how the mind works, why people do evil, how does the devil operate, what are spirits, etc.  I had amazing knowledge, I had power, I was self hypnotized into being happy and content, but the Truth of my state was that I was empty. The knowledge was useless and the power an illusion. The mind is indeed ingenious; it can make you believe whatever you want to believe.

Wrong was exactly that wrong, pretending otherwise doesn’t make it right or worse irrelevant. When you hurt people by your actions, intentional or otherwise there are consequences.  Surrendering yourself to life, being spontaneous, erasing society’s negative programming, doesn’t mean you have to forget the law of God, you can’t pretend that they don’t exist or worse that you are above it. Good deeds do not nullify wrong acts.

I was 25 when God decided to reel me in, God decided that I had lived on the other side long enough. It was time to come home. In an instant the veil of darkness and confusion had been lifted off me. Just like Paul, the scales of ignorance fell off (Bible, the book of ACTS 9:18), suddenly I knew. I just knew, I knew the Truth and it had indeed set me free!

I finally understood the power of the word of God and more importantly the devious role of the devil to make us doubt it. The one emotion that renders God’s power useless, doubt is the kryptonite of faith and God’s ability to intervene.  Doubt was how the evil one rules the earth and unfortunately our lives. Doubt is how the devil prevents God from intervening and saving us. If you see an infomercial of hell on TV, know that it is because God has been kicked out.

We with our free will chose to doubt the existence of God and hence created an Earth filled with darkness. Absence of light, of God, is Evil, is darkness, and is suffering.  I got my answer it had been there all long, I just didn’t look hard enough. The reason those kids and millions more today suffer is because we have distanced ourselves from God, we are God’s warriors. We are called to save the suffering but we are too busy living worldly lives, too busy to lend a hand, to help the weak, to feed the poor, to clothe the naked, we do however have the time to argue about the existance of God or the latest fad, which God is the ‘real’ God, my God or your God.

The Bible is the greatest book ever written by the greatest author ever, the Holy Spirit. This is my truth what’s yours?




9 thoughts on “Religious views: of God and my journey in search of him

  1. That’s soul stiring and soul and God is always connected. I must Thank my life circumstances which lead me to seek and ask why me..why are we here in the first things lead to another and I am still a seeker whatever it is God is most loving and merciful and all that happens just happens let’s be just be lotus on top of water and not sink down just float and be with the flow and in present..eternal bliss

  2. Thank you for stopping by my blog, I hope you enjoyed it Our stories have many parallels. I look forward to reading more. I recently came home to the Catholic Church. It was the best decision I ever made.

    1. My mom’s a prayer warrior, I HAD to come back, she had heaven knocking on my door! I just hope I can be 1/10 th of what she is, I have three kids and I wonder if I can be as strong and rooted as she was/is in the word of God to be the beacon that brings them home if they ever stray, like I did. Pray for me!

      1. It takes discipline. That is a dirty word in this day. I wake up a little earlier to pray and read. On my days off, I don’t sleep in. I get up and get my butt to Mass. Its like anything else, If i want it bad enough, I will make time.

  3. Acceptance of Christ as Lord and Savior is a journey. I am thankful to my family for paving the way with such strong belief that the journey, for me, was not as long as it might otherwise have been. No one knows at what point another may be on their journey. We can only pray that they find the path to begin and that we continue to hold the light of God’s word high so they don’t have to make the journey in the dark.

    1. Very wise words, I thank My mum, for etching in my soul a love for God. Even though I wandered, I knew that the roots of my soul drew nourishment from the eternal spring of life, faith in Jesus Christ.
      I pray for all those in the light that they may never fall away and for those in the dark that they may find their way to the light.
      God bless!

  4. Hi antonia! your “like”to my post led me to yours , which is beautifully soulful, so to speak. I have never read such moving story in your quest to find God. I rejoice with you in knowing the truth has finally set you free! Yes there may be humps and bumps, dungeons and chains, but by his amazing grace we press on. continue to inspire!

    1. Thank you for your kind remarks. It is always such a joy to meet a fellow believer. I usually find acceptance for most of my thoughts and views, but rarely for my belief in my saviour. The only ones who even acknowledge that part of me are fellow believers.
      Kinda gets me stumped on the whole, ‘be the city on a hill’ command.
      Your blogs are very refreshing to read.. will return to digest the more ‘heavy’ ones.
      God bless!

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